Combat Anxiety in Kids During Coronavirus
My son woke up in tears screaming from another nightmare last night. While he had nightmares before Coronavirus, this has become a more regular occasion in recent weeks. As a mom, I’ve been struggling with how to help my son understand what is happening in the world around us. While my 1-year-old daughter is blissfully unaware, my 4-year-old son is curious and has lots of questions.
THIS comic from NPR helped answer some of his questions about COVID-19 in an approachable way. THIS video talks about social distancing and the silver linings we can look for during this time as a family. We’ve been singing ‘Happy Birthday,’ ‘Baby Shark’ and the Batman theme song while we washed our hands. We conducted the hand-washing science experiment using black pepper, water and soap. We played a 6’ apart game, spitting outside as far as we could and measuring our distance. Admittedly, not my best parenting choice to encourage spitting right now. Despite my efforts, he was still acting out and feared going on walks outside because “Coronavirus would get him.” In talking with my friends and following mommy groups on Facebook, I realized I wasn’t alone.
"For some children, anxiety symptoms might be more obvious, as in the case of nightmares, difficulty sleeping or expressing worries directly; but for many, anxiety might show up in more subtle ways,” says Lindsay Goodlin, LCSW, California Therapist. “Since each child is different, look for deviations from regular temperament and behavior. For example, withdrawing, increased somatic (physical) complaints, increased clinginess, and more extreme emotional reactions can all be signs of an underlying anxiety. The good news is, there is a lot that caregivers can do to help their kids through anxious times.”
After talking with Lindsay, I realized my son’s behavioral challenges were a normal way of him processing his emotions and trying to regain a sense of control. How can I provide a sense of security and help mitigate his fears during this unprecedented time?
"Children really look to their primary caregivers to help them understand how they should be reacting to the world,” says Lindsay. “When parents exhibit calmness and model a solution-focused attitude, kids pick up on that and feel more secure.”
As a mother, I’m the anchor of the family. Even when I want to crawl in a corner and cry (Which, according to The New York Times, is ok, as long as the kids can’t see. Read ‘Crying in Your Car Counts as Self-Care’). Or I’m beyond exhausted after lying awake at night, worrying and unable to sleep. Or my patience fuse is short from being caught up in my own anxiety. It’s my job to set the tone for the house, and be a role model for the kids.
When in doubt, I turn to Janet Lansbury for sage parenting advice. In her podcast, Respectful Parenting: UnRuffled, ‘Parenting in Anxious Times,’ she interviews Susan Stiffelman, family therapist and parenting author. Here are some of my key takeaways from the 24 minute episode (although I highly recommend listening to it yourself):
“Remember in the 12 step programs, it’s one day at a time. And even though we have to plan for what this is going to look like, all we have to do is get through today.”
“Be strong for somebody. This is one of the gifts that children bring to our lives: they propel us into a sturdier or deeper or finer version of ourselves. We have to kind of grow beyond what we think we can do.”
Our kids will build character: “We go through something we didn’t know we could go through. We find our way through it, as hard as it might be at times. And when we come out the other side, we are sturdier, we’re more confident. So there is the potential here, if we can take this gently and be kind to ourselves and to each other, that our kids will become more resilient as a result.”
Suggestions Janet and Susan offered that I plan to incorporate:
Express emotion through art: Encourage your child to draw a picture of what they’re feeling inside. Ask them, “What color are you feeling? If your scary feelings had a color, what color would they be? And point to the part of your body where those feelings are moving around right now. We help our kids embody the experience of all their feelings.”
Allow your child to feel autonomy: Let them make decisions about activities during their day, give them responsibility to watch a younger sibling or water a plant. “Any opportunity to put a child in charge of something or to give them a job or to help them be the one who teaches you something can allay some of their anxieties.”
Play ‘germ’ catch with a tissue: Throw a tissue ball 3’ apart, 6’ apart and through a closed glass door. “This tissue represents the germs that carry this bug that we’re working hard not to pass to each other. And if we’re close together, then it’s easier for it to pass from one friend to another friend. But if we’re far apart or we stay in our houses, it becomes hard to spread.”
Hopefully these activities will help my son pinpoint his emotions and grasp the need for social distancing. So far, I’ve found refocusing his energy on other people has distracted from his own anxious thoughts. We’ve been reading ‘How Full is Your Bucket?’ and ‘Have you Filled a Bucket Today?’ Every day, we do an activity to fill someone else's bucket.
"Offering kindness to others is a powerful tool and helps kids and adults alike to focus on the positive - plus, everybody benefits,” says Lindsay. “The giver feels good about doing something nice for others and the receiver feels loved and cared for. This is also a great opportunity for children to learn more about compassion and how to turn that toward themselves during times of stress and uncertainty".
Here are some ways we’re filling up buckets:
Give a family member a hug (someone on your quarantine team).
Tell someone how much you love them.
Make someone laugh. This usually involves my son farting on me. Ha
Wave at strangers to make them smile.
Send homemade art and love notes to loved ones via snail mail.
Display homemade artwork in windows facing the street so those walking by can enjoy.
We have a bunny statue in our front yard that we move every day. We joke that if we move it, maybe people will think it’s real?
Pick a flower for someone you love (we’ve even mailed these to Nana).
Film a story time video to send a friend.
Help me add to this list - share your ideas to my Instagram!
As Janet would say, ‘We can do this.’ It may take more wine than normal, but we’ll get through this, one glass of wine at a time.
“This is a change and this is different and there are things that we haven’t figured out yet, but I’m solid and we’ll get through this, and it’s just one day at a time.”
“Offering kindness to others is a powerful tool and helps kids and adults alike to focus on the positive - plus, everybody benefits.”
Helpful Resources
If you or a loved one are having trouble with anxiety, please consider talking to a professional. You can reach Lindsay Goodlin, LCSW, at lindsay@california-therapist.com or her Instagram @California_Therapist
Another great online resource I found was from The World Health Organization. In their publication ‘Parenting in the Time of COVID-19,’ they offer advice for parents on how to plan one-on-one time, stay positive, create a daily routine, avoid bad behavior, manage stress, and how to talk about COVID-19.
